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Sep 19, 2011

The Hound

The romantic liaison that produced Muttley crossed every canine religious and cultural divide.  The result: a black and white spotted pug on steroids, with an over-shot jaw and an over-zealous tail that does little to hide what it should.  In fact, if by passers do happen to stop and stare at the sight of Muttley on his daily walk, a brief shot of his back view is enough to force them to turn away with horror.  His family would have you believe that the maid walks him every day because they can’t stand the heat when really they would rather be seen dead than in public with the Steve Buscemi of the dog world.

Muttley’s family was forced to take him in as a puppy (when he was still cute) when their ‘friend’ dropped him off on the way to the airport after an unsuccessful stint in Dubai.  Five years, 4 chewed table legs, 3 ruined carpets and one missing inflatable pool mattress later and they have found themselves oddly attached to the beast despite the near bankruptcy caused by dog food bills.  Their friends and visitors to the house however, whose legs have been humped on regular occasions, feel less positively disposed to him.  As do the rest of the compound’s inhabitants who dread the sound of Muttley’s paws skidding across the paving before the ominous silence as he briefly flies through the air, eyes bulging, landing with an ungracious splash in the communal pool.  Muttley is totally oblivious to this strong feeling of ill will towards him, particularly from the gardener who shrieks with fear whenever the mutt approaches and dashes off to wash himself after the ‘bloody dog’ has tried to embrace him yet again.  If only the family knew how much their DEWA bill was spiraling up with every unrequited meeting between the two.

The cats of the compound are thankfully wise to Muttley and watch with bemusement if an outsider should ever cross his path. As a result, the lampposts surrounding the compound are covered in tattered posters of innocent moggies who have entered the Bermuda triangle, never to be seen again.  The family has been presented with a small collection of diamante collars over the years but persuaded themselves that their dear dog has simply dug them up somewhere.  While he might appear monstrous to cats, Muttley does have his kryptonite.  The giant ant is capable of turning him into a gibbering wreck of barks and howls.  Any witnesses to Muttley’s phobia would be forgiven for thinking the dog was barking at the pavement and report a case of rabies to the authorities immediately.

Muttley does enjoy a good outing though and can be seen every morning and evening dragging a tiny pink and white uniformed figure across an empty lot, choking and panting as he races towards any fellow walkers. Glistening pedigrees curl their lips in disdain while secretly envying Muttley’s almost-bald coat as they try not to expire in the heat.  Thank goodness Tails ‘R Us wouldn’t accept the likes of him for the summer!

Dedicated to Inca, Buster and Wal...


  1. Mrs Madison, your blogs never fail to entertain! This one even got a 'snort' as I read it through teary, laughing eyes.
    More please, MORE!!!