NEWSFLUSH: Cafe uses salacious means to attract patrons

The 'bum' evidence

A popular cafe in Dubai has sunk to new depths to try to woo patrons to its all day breakfast.

Couples, families and slightly awkward-looking visiting parents were left 'O'pen mouthed this weekend as they surveyed the cafe's ridiculously long menu.  Although some visitors to the well-known eatery were excited by the prospect of an altogether new style of Eggs Benedict, many were left shocked and disturbed and in need of culinary stress counseling.

A miss-sold customer

Managers at the cafe refused to comment on the indecent ingredients but one worker, who preferred to remain anonymous, was mystified: "I only greet people when they walk in.  I have nothing to do with the menu, taking orders or really being helpful at all."

Sue and Martin Jenkins, who were visiting from England were visibly upset. "We thought our son and daughter-in-law were living in a decent and upstanding country.  We have just bought a pair of all-terrain sandals for our future visits but perhaps we should take them back."

Cultural and Language Nuance Specialist Susan Lee said "The offending word is open to misinterpretation.  But what is more offending?  Serving up toasted a***s or roasting homeless people?"

Given the latter are in short supply in Dubai, the public have been warned to watch their backs.

Investigations continue.

The Skip Hunter

While the average Dubai resident scans the roads for clapped-out Camrys with a tendency to break suddenly or even reverse into oncoming traffic, Melanie is literally looking for a skip on wheels.  She can often be found driving slowly around the residential back streets, looking for bins with little treasures left beside them.  Her friends may laugh but so far she’s found a children’s slide, a bed and cupboard for the maid, a fully-functioning DVD player, one slightly stained trampoline and a full rattan garden suite.  Even her husband knows the drill now and sent a ‘999-BIN’ text detailing the street and house number after spotting an abandoned child’s scooter leaning sadly on a pile of black bags.  She was out of the house and in the car in a trice.  Having been forced to watch Toy Story trilogy on a regular basis, Melanie’s children feel too guilty to turn down the orphaned offerings.

But the bargain hunting doesn’t stop there.  Countless innocent Dubizzle shoppers have been gazumped by Melanie who was overjoyed when the website introduced the email alert option.  If you’ve driven all the way to the Green Community for a lousy oven, only to find an embarrassed looking previous owner, you know that Melanie’s been there.  And she’s probably managed to buy something from them that they didn’t even intend to sell.  Like their dog.

Every year Melanie gives the members of her family the appropriate Entertainer guide and every year she rips out the coupons and organises them into themed piles.  Waiters across Dubai wait patiently while she flicks through a well-thumbed pack of colourful paper squares tied in a rubber band and look awkward when she suggests combining 2-for-1 and 50% off coupons together with a ‘kids eat free’ deal from a weekly magazine.  Melanie pumps her arm in triumph while her husband and children try to hide under the table.

Melanie’s current dilemma is whether to book a table the Safa Park Flea market this weekend or hold a garage sale.  She’s got so much junk these days, she’s just going to have to sell some of it.  And there’s nothing that warms her heart more than being given cash for something she picked up at the dump.